New beginings

I am sure by now you all thought I had fallen off the face of the earth- well, not so! My life has been crazy and very busy. I will try to explain...

Let me first say that I am in a great place. I am happy, content with who I am and who I think I will become, filled with love and optimism, still the same warm and caring individual I have always been. I had a burden I carried but I do not carry that anymore. My life has changed in almost every possible way. For some you already know how and why and others do not. I struggle putting it out there over the internet instead of a personal email, call or letter but I am going to anyway.

In March, I made a decision to change my life. I wasnt happy where I was or where it was going. I hadnt been happy for a while and didnt realize it until December of 2005. Things started happening that showed me something was wrong. I denied it for so long, or accepted it, and hid it from everyone. I struggled to be the perfect daughter, employee, student and fiance for such a long time. Once I graduated from college, the student persuit of perfection left but the others stayed the same. I struggled to be everything for everyone and nothing for myself.

Then the fiance changed. I became a wife and on that day was happy- or so I thought. It was the moment I had always waited for- the day my parents dreamed of and they couldnt have been happier. I thought I was. I had been with him for so long and given so much of myself to him. It seemed like the 'right' thing to do-what everyone wanted me to do or expected me to do. "When are you all getting married" "when are you all having kids" It's pressure no one tells you about. You cant change people and it's wrong to think you can. It's worse to think they will change on their own. He wasnt a bad person- still isnt as far as I know- but he wasnt the right person either.

So March I moved out. I decided to start a life on my own and see what I wanted. He was kind enough to let me leave-although I never really gave him the choice. I knew in my heart I had already made up my mind that it was over but I needed to do this to prove it to myself. I went to counseling for months and it really helped me discover how I quickly lost myself, my desires and needs in his. I am not going to place blame because that is not what this post is about.

On, or about, October 6th, I will be divorced. I never thought it would describe me. It may describe me but it will never define me or who I am. I always hated that word but today I appreciate it. I know what it means for me. It is the end to one chapter and the begining to another. Divorce is looked at so negatively and while it isnt the ideal, nor should it be, some times it is necessary. I dont see it the way I use to. I dont say it with a whispered voice or a hushed tone. I say it with a matter-of-fact attitude. It happened. I did NOT fail. I am NOT a failure. Life changed and so did I. I grew with it and love where I am today!!

I feel that today I dont search for perfection or at least not how I use to. I do still have my OCD tendancies. I have my quirks and sometimes expect too much of myself. It's my eternal flaw. I dont know that I wont ever expect perfection of myself but I pray to God I never do expect it of my children. That is one thing I will try my hardest to prevent.

So it's September 13th 2007....I am happy. I am optimistic. I am fulfilled and truly feel that for once in my life I control my destiny and no one else does and it is an amazing feeling. I love my family and my friends. I couldn't ask for better of either.

I love you all....