Here today, gone tomorrow

Anyone who knows me knows I dont deal with death well, at all. I don't grieve like 'normal' people and I certainly don't "get over it" like most.

My paternal grandmother passed away almost 3 years ago and while I dont cry every night thinking about her, it is hard to think of her and not cry. I had the opportunity to visit with her the week before she died. However, work got in the way. My boss was pretty much insane and I knew she would give me crap about leaving so I waited until the next weekend- a 3 day weekend. One week too late. I hated myself. I didnt understand why or how it happened and why I wasnt able to say goodbye.

To say I love her is to barely scratch the surface. I saw so much of myself in her and admired her traits. She was hard working- she got on to me for half cleaning my bathroom when she visited one and as a 12 year old I was upset with her for that.

She taught me to play solitare. When I was losing, to myself (!!!!), I would only turn over 1 card instead of three and instead of letting me just play, she called me out. "That's cheating!" My first thought, 'I am losing to myself...and who am I cheating on? Me?' As simple as those two things are, it taught me a lot about self. Honor isnt necessarily a badge one wears but it is what you do in secret. That reveals the most about who you are on the inside.

Unfortunately my paternal grandfather passed away before I was able to make any strong memories with him but if he was anything like my father, he must have been a wonderful man: a generous, intelligent and loving man. He produced 6 wonderful children- children are reflections of their upbringings. My grandfather was no doubt a great man...after all my Grandmama B loved him!

This past weekend, my maternal grandfather passed away. I still cannot deal with death. How was he here last month and not today? I played board games with him and my parents for almost 2 hours. The only health issue he really had was a bum knee! Why did God choose to take him from us? Yes, it is selfish to want him back...to wish him back from the very presence of God but still I want to be selfish. I want my grandfather. I want to hear his voice, his laugh and see his smile. It isnt fair. I know life isnt fair but why cant it be? He touched so many lives with his warmth and smile. God, he was a good man. I dont understand suffering and I dont understand this pain nor how it could be part of God's plan. What kind of plan is this? He was my granddaddy and I miss him.

I am not angry with God. It is one thing I purpose myself to remember. However, I am mystified and want some sort of answer, some big pointy arrow to show me why. So I like to tell God, I am struggling. I am upset and confused but not angry at Him. I am angry at the situation but not Him. It's hard because I dont understand. Again, I dont deal with death well and I dont ever really want to deal with it "well", better sure.

I never read C.S. Lewis' books 'The Problem of Pain' or "A Grief Observed" but I think it might be time. I need something. This weekend reminded me of my own mortality and my parents'. That thought makes my heart stop. I cant bury my parents. I cant bury my father. I just cant. So I guess he is going to have to take better care of himself :-)

Keep me in your prayers.